


The Difference Between When and If (Is a Big One)

by forgetpoundgivemekoenig



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Sad Stiles is sad, angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-06
Updated: 2013-08-06
Packaged: 2017-12-22 15:41:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/914992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forgetpoundgivemekoenig/pseuds/forgetpoundgivemekoenig
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When he sees his dad again he'll tell him 'I told you so' a million times.</p><p> </p><p>(If he sees his dad again he'll hug him so tight that whatever comes next will have to take him too)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Difference Between When and If (Is a Big One)

**Author's Note:**

> Guh, that last episode.

If there's one thing Stiles' knows it's the difference between 'when' and 'if'. It's the details separating 'when she gets better' and 'if she gets better'; details like 'it'll only be five months before she's back on her feet' and 'we can keep her alive for at least five months, but then she's gone for good.' It's the difference between knowing someone is okay and knowing someone is becoming less and less okay with each passing day. It's the difference between having a mom and having to wear your suit that doesn't fit to the funeral. 

Nobody else seems to get that. 

Because it's not personal to them it's just clinical, emotional in the way seeing a dead body can be, but they don't recognize the face. If you walked down the street and someone fell on the pavement in front of you (pushed, jumped, tripped) and you saw them all splattered and gross on the concrete, yeah, you'd need therapy, but not because you knew their name. 

This is his dad.

And his dad is the only person he has left besides Scott and Scott is becoming more and more distant with each passing day, each tally mark on the mental tabs he's keeping on the number of deaths he feels like he should have stopped, and each time he misses Death walking out the door with someone he thought he was supposed to protect. Scott can't be counted on because Scott is almost as volatile, as uncertain, as his dad is right at this very moment when they have no freaking clue where he is. 

And Jennifer doesn't know shit. 

It's just something he's decided, some conclusion he's come to, because he likes to think he would have gotten it out of her by now. She doesn't have a hard but she has something that can pushed, pressed, messed with. She's got a trigger and he hasn't found it yet, so she must not know anything. And that is scarier than her knowing everything, so he doesn't know why he let himself figure it out. Why can't he just turn his brain off for the ten years it takes for him to come to grips with the fact that his dad is really gone? 

His DAD is GONE. 

He's regretting ever being friends with werewolves, but he knows it's not their fault. His dad was a guardian, to him and to a lot of other people, wasn't it just a matter of time? And isn't it better that he know exactly what's happening? At least he has an idea of what might be happening, of what he might be able to do (if anything). 

What if he can't do anything?

And there goes the doubt, the fear, the speculation again. His mind won't shut up and there is a HUGE difference between 'when' and 'if' because 'when' means he'll get him back and 'if' means it's only a matter of time before he has no one. And if there's one thing Stiles can't understand, can't take, it's being alone. His mom is dead and his best friend is distant but he's never been alone, not really. He likes to play tough, likes to play sarcastic and smart, but he's smart enough to know he can't handle being on his own. 

So his dad can't be dead. 

It's not 'if' it's 'when'. 

But, it could be 'if' and not 'when'. 

What if it's 'if' and not 'when'?

"Sorry about your dad, Stiles." He can hear them now, all the people who thought they knew shit, "He was a good man. A good officer and the best Sheriff we've ever had." 

"It was a shame she had to go, John. She was young and it's a shame she had to go. And that son of yours, man, that's tough." He can hear them too, ghosts from the past, and it's really freaking annoying how the pronouns are getting switched up with each repetition. By the fifth repetition it's 'they' instead 'she'. But the son, man, it's still tough. 

God, he shouldn't be thinking all this, not now. 

There's a big difference between 'if' and 'when'. He should know, because he lived it once (and he won't live it again). 'If' is what you say when you're already making plans for the funeral, and 'when' is what you say when you're already making plans to visit Disney Land or have more kids or go get ice cream like you promised three weeks ago. 'If' is black suits and long faces; 'when' is dripping ice cream and silly pictures on his mom's phone. 'If' is forgetting because it's easier than nightmares and panic attacks; 'when' is "don't you ever do that to me again" and tight hugs that last for forever. There's a big difference between the two. 

His life has been good in its entirety, although a little rough around the edges from where he had to tear her out just to make himself live again. It sounds so bad now when he thinks about her, because it used to be unbearable to even think about letting go. And now it's just a part of who he is. Does that make him a bad person? Surely he's redeemed himself by now, but who's to say?

His dad is missing, so maybe he hasn't redeemed himself quite yet. 

It's not 'if" it's 'when', goddammit. 

He'll be damned if anybody tells him any different, because they don't know shit. Some of them are already looking at him like they can't believe he's still moving on, carrying on, going on, but they don't know anything. Who the hell knows loss better than him? 

"When." He mutters and it sounds good, "When, when, when, when." 

The word echoes around the still of the ambulance and maybe he should be keeping quiet, since the Alphas are out there right now, but who's going to really care when it comes down to it? They want Jennifer, not some gangly kid with a missing parent. With a gaping hole in his heart. With the word 'when' on every inch of his skin. What good is he? 

None. 

When he sees his dad again he's going to tell him 'I told you so' a million times. 

(If he sees his dad again he's going to hug him so tight that whatever comes next will have to take him too.)

There's a big difference between 'if' and 'when'; Stiles Stilinski, of all people, should know that.


End file.
